Out of Space

If all problems feel like this, let me have 'em all!!!

My closet's full too. I'm my mom's daughter - no one could argue that.

24 - Kobe Age

((Jordan age has passed. I like 23 better.)


It doesn’t feel any different; being 24.

But I do feel I’m immature for my age. Well sige, maybe not immature, maybe the word is inexperienced. I feel that at my age I should have at least graduated from school, I should have been able to travel outside the country...

At my age I should know how it feels to truly live. Sure, I have moments when I felt alive but to really live is still a very elusive dream. My friend, G, provoked this train of thought during one of the conversations we had over lunch. She said she merely existed; walking through life because she needed to.

I would like to believe I know my purpose. But it’s very easing to lose sight of what is truly important in life when I’m stuck here; in school, struggling against myself.

Enough boring ramblings.

I celebrated my birthday last Friday with a few of my friends by having a “board game party”. It was fun. And I got my balloons; lots of them. But the hype of blogging about an event almost a week ago is almost gone. And I’m so lazy these days.

For my next birthday I’m planning on a formal dinner; wine and all. But I’m undecided between that or a “dirty ice cream” party. Hihi. At 25? Hmm.. I wonder what would be more appropriate. Ice cream it is!

Fun Weekends

I’ve been on the internet for a little over 6 hours already. (Don’t mention anything to my Dad. He already tried to limit my internet usage by asking me to “deposit” the laptop in his bedroom by 9pm! So I use the psp from then onwards. Very sneaky me!) Anyway, I’ve been trying to look for the oxford flats I so wanted. I didn’t find them. But instead I found a dozen other pairs I want. (Visit soleshoes.multiply.) Online shopping could really be addicting.

Aside from my renewed and rejuvenated compulsion to shop for clothes and shoes, I also had a revived sense of belongingness as I spent the past few weekends with my friends.

First of, I’ve been chatting with J more often now. Her passion for fashion is one thing I really admire about her. She could make 50-peso shirts look really expensive. I mean, it’s her style. Basta. Love it. These past few days we’ve been exchanging links and photos of shoes and clothes and bags we want to buy. Of all my friends I rely on her when I need a fashion fix. Love her to pieces!

Back here in ph, I have a few friends that I envy when it comes to being fashion forward. Also, I covet their height; they are all model-tall. Among these friends, JZ is the most daring when it comes to fashion. A.M., however has a more polished and sophisticated style. M, AM’s little sister, isn’t so far behind her ate’s footsteps when it comes to dressing up. Her style is more playful, quirky and fun.

Heto na yung kwento. Last Sunday, as I was lounging in my Dad’s office, these three stomped in and asked me if I wanted to go to Trinoma with them. I asked them why and they answered, “Titingin lang ng shoes.” It was amusing but I went with them and had fun. ‘Ze boys came with us and had a hard time waiting for us rummage all the stores in Trinoma. I bought a pair of heeled oxfords in Charles and Keith. I wore them this morning and felt tall. Hahaha.

That trip to Trinoma was the start of my downward spiral into the pits of being a shopaholic again. Oh and I switched magazines from C to Preview.

Veering away from my “fashionista” friends, I spent the most hilarious day with the boys yesterday. It was unplanned but fun nonetheless. It was understandable that I didn’t even feel a bit awkward with them since I’ve known a few of them since 2^nd year HS. They talked about their crushes, teasing each other every chance they get. I asked them about their “type” of girls, their ex girl friends and well, we also talked about fashion. At least L and I did. Haha. Jumpers? Haha!

I’ve had fun weekends. Thanks to friends. Miss you all so much.

It’s my birthday week! I’m planning a “Game Night” on Friday. Excited!

Wishlist (Suntok sa Buwan)

I don't know if it's just me but do "things" become more desirable when your birthday is just around the corner? hahaha. I am well aware that I share my birthday with my sister and with a good friend but this is my blog and I'm going to publish my wishlist, hoping against all hopes that by some freak accident I will get what I want.

1. A pair of oxford flats. But a more "girly" one. I don't know where to find them. I searched the net though and I found tons. So I'm guessing they're available here somewhere.
2. A shopping spree at Topshop or Dorothy Perkins or Charles and Keith.
3. A Shu Uemura eyelash curler and make up remover.
4. A hot pink camera bag from Crumpler.
5. A Nikon D90 or a Canon 500d. (Oh I think this one's for graduation.)
6. A free pass from my parents to celebrate my birthday with friends. I miss my friends! According to them, I'm inaccessible! haha
7. For time to pass quickly so it could be August's end already.
8. For people to understand why I'm still in school and for them to stop asking me questions about when I'll graduate.
9. For my pimples to miraculously vanish into thin air. Or maybe products that could make them disappear.
10. A dimploma, a PRC license, a fully equipped dental clinic - in short, real life to begin. (Oh yeah, I have to work on this one on my own. bah!)

I had to stop myself from listing down everything! haha! I'll be turning 24 soon. And gawd do I have a lot of catching up to do. Have to run after what's left of my life! I know 24 is young, but I want to start young. Anyway, I'm just having fun today. Don't want this entry to turn into a sappy pity party post.

Oh I read from Sarah Meier's tweet that writing about how you felt after a day is better than rambling on about what actually happened. So maybe I'll try that more often.

*PS. Forgive mispelled words or wrong grammar. I was typing real quick. And no time to edit now.

__ I have a happy heart! =)

Lazy, Lazy Day

I did a very unusual thing today; I watched television the whole day!

I rarely watch TV simply because I can't find anything worth my time. If I have free time I'd rather surf the net or read a book. But since I was left home - alone today, I had pandesal for lunch and sat in front of the TV for more than 6 hours straight.

Because of this I realized that watching TV could be productive. Well, not really. But I did discover a few things from my lazy day:

- I found out about Jon and Kate and their adorable kids. I have been hearing about them for so long now but I just had the sense to google them today.
- On Tyra, a show I'd rather not watch but did because of boredom, I found out about people who are "fat admirers". It was, uhm, fascinating that some people find flabs of fat and cellulites attractive. (And there I was "lunching" on pandesal!) Frankly, I think it's sick to wish to be 1000lbs.
- I finally was able to watch the music video for Nobody. I was staring at the Wonder Girls, half aware that I could be drooling over their cute faces and long legs. haha! They're pretty!
- Project Runway Philippines Season 2 will air it's pilot episode tonight at ETC.
- Vanessa Hudgens' nude photos are, again, leaked into the internet.
- Chace Crawford hooked up with Twilight start, Ashley Greene (Alice). The two were seen lip locking in a limo after the Teen Choice Awards.
- Leighton Meester has a sex video!

Ok so maybe it wasn't a worthwhile activity after all. haha! I'm so hooked on Hollywood gossip right now. This isn't good.

About tomorrow, I'm so relieved that it's going to be an "easy" day with just my RPD to block out and an amalgam onlay to finish. I'm planning to go to PCX and find the perfect solution for my ever growing pimple mark collection. Ugh!

You said that I will be ok

Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

J

Relationship requires a lot of effort.

This I learned through friendships strained by distance. I am not really good at long distance relationships. I find it difficult and tedious to keep in touch through the internet. Maybe my detachment stems from the feeling that it doesn’t actually feel like you’re talking to a person when you’re reading an email or when you’re chatting through YM.

One of my best friends moved to China because of her work. It has been months since I really talked to her. And I wanted so badly to tell her about the things that are happening to me. Not serious things, really. Just day to day nothingness that usually make their way to her through a text message or a phone call. But now that she’s miles away, an email of, say, how I thought I elicited the attention of a certain med student, doesn’t really seem appropriate. Parang I feel that it would just take up a bulk of her email space. So I just let nothingness after nothingness pass and when I finally catch her online and she asks what the “latest” is, nothing of significance comes to mind.

I rarely update her. And it saddens me that I couldn’t go the extra mile to send her a worthwhile email.

My “China” friend and I are separated by distance. And it’s difficult. But I also have friendships that are strained not because of distance but by well, I really don’t know. A few posts ago I said I became cold and indifferent. So maybe it started there. I just got tired of texting and replying to text messages. I was so caught up with everything I had to do and I lost track of everything and everyone else. I don’t do well in multi-tasking. And my puny brain could only handle so much trouble. When I set my mind on a goal, I focus and forget everything else.

So my relationships were strained. And I’m trying to get them back in shape. But it takes effort and time. I’m learning. And I just want my friends to know (especially my fashion police, my wedding dress designer, my ultimate “kakampi”) that I miss the great friendships I share with you all.

I miss how we could just stay up well into the night and just talk about anything. I miss how we could just decide to meet up and pig out on pizza and ice cream. I miss how you could make me feel better by taking my side even if I know that you’re a bit biased. I miss how we could spend the afternoon just mall ratting. I miss you, more than words could say. And heck, I know you’ll say I’m baduy and jologs, but who cares. I know you miss me too.

I've heard people complain about technology cutting personal relationships and replacing them with cyber ones. But when put into a situation where personal relationships are severed by distance, technology is one fine friend.

I Couldn't Help Myself

Many mourned the death of King of Pop, Michael Jackson. I do not in any way demean the man’s great and unmatched contribution to pop culture, music and history. But I think the death of President Corazon Aquino merits more attention, if not from the whole world, at least from our nation.

History is one of my least favorite subjects. And I was only taught to be a critical thinker when I entered college. So needless to say, I know little about Cory and her administration. What I do know is that she was a strong, determined, well – educated woman, who fought for her family, her faith and her nation’s freedom.

My parents are Martial Law Babies. And it was inevitable that they became sentimental when they learned of Cory’s death.

My dad said that Cory’s death somehow represents the marking down of their generation’s history. Sooner or later, young people would only have heard of the Martial Law, the People Power Revolution, Ninoy and Cory inside their history classes. Soon, Cory’s memory and her passion for democracy would only be read in books.

My mom on the other hand, chose to see the “drama” in all of these. She said that Ninoy wrote a poem for Cory when he was in prison. I think it has the lines “I fell in love with the same woman three times…” or something like that. She was almost in tears when she said that she hopes Ninoy and Cory would find each other on the other side of life.

Do you want to know what my reaction was upon hearing about the news? I immediately thought of Kris and how she would present herself before the media. I’m sorry for my superficiality. I was sick and I slept through the whole Saturday. It was just today that I fully understood how much Cory meant to the Filipino people.

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.” - Cory

I think President Aquino lived a life brimming with meaning and purpose. And in her death, the passion for which she did the things she so bravely accomplished reignited the fire in each and every Filipino's heart.

About Need; A Day with PNP Trainees

A few weeks ago I was given a rare opportunity to be with some 400 PNP Trainees in Angeles, Pampanga. Our church was requested to conduct a “Purpose Driven Life” Seminar for the said people. As far as I know, General Razon ordered that PNP officials undergo PDL Seminars as a requirement under their program to improve values among policemen. So anyway, my Dad wanted me to go help out at that seminar. I really didn’t want to but since I am eager to please, I went.

I was really hesitant because I haven’t read PDL in so long and I didn’t know who were coming with me. The night before the seminar, I was even trying to get out of it by telling organizers that I don’t have a means of going to the meeting place at such an early hour. But my brother decided to be generous and told me to bring the car. With no more reasons to back out, I was driving at 6 in the morning, with no idea what I was up for.

It was raining when we arrived at the training “camp” in Angeles. It was muddy and I was worried about my shoes when all of a sudden a few guys, looking all the same with their “semi – kal” hairs, white shirts and maong pants, came running toward the car - they have no shoes on. They were tasked to help us with the equipment we had.

When I entered the hall, the trainees were all seated on the floor. I then asked one of my companions where the girls were. I was told that they were the ones in front. I remember I even argued that those were also male trainees, because well, they look like boys. They had short hair cuts and had the same outfit on. From the back, they really looked like boys. I instantly felt awkward and in my most pasimple way, removed the necklace I had on. It was my dire attempt to look simple enough so that these girls wouldn’t be intimidated by how I look. I was really worried. I didn’t know how I was going to relate and talk to “roughened” up girls. There I was in my pretty clothes and shoes, with my hair neatly combed and my face all made up – and then there they were, with hairs cut to the bare minimum, with plain white shirts and maong pants. I didn’t think less of them, I just thought I would not in any way be able to “connect” with them.

When I had the chance to speak to some of the girls, I realized we were more alike than I thought. They have boy troubles just like me, they have vanity concerns just like me, and they have great great dreams.

I learned that all the trainees should be a graduate of a four year course. Most of them studied criminology. Still, it left me dumbfounded when I found out that some of the trainees were nurses, lawyers, engineers and there was even a dentist. I was quick to ask, “Why?”. I worded the question carefully. I told them that I was curious. But in all honesty, I was wondering why girls with a degree and a chance to work as “something” else would choose to go through such a rigorous training to become a policewoman.

The answers I got were varied. Some wanted to serve, some wanted to prove that they could handle the training, but majority of them wanted to be like their fathers who were policemen themselves. But one common reason is the financial benefits of being a PNP officer.

No matter what the reason, it pained me to see girls, some even younger than me, having had to cut their hair, eat in less than 10 counts, train as much as boys train, and be cut off from their loved ones for 6 months.

Necessity is often the driving force of the universe. These girls chose to be in their present circumstance because of need. I may not understand why. I may feel violated by how they are being trained. But it is necessary.

They said when they are finished with their training they would go to a spa and have body scrubs and facials. That made me smile. Even though externally we look different, we still have the same inner core; a girl’s heart.

I just admire everyone I met that day. I admire their strength and determination. I will never look at a policeman, and more so a policewoman, the same way again.