Another Post About...

New Moon is a movie about teenagers, one a vampire and the other a lumbering pale girl, who experienced the topsy-turvy emotions of being in love. It’s settled. The plot is lame and cheesy.

Edward. I’m sorry to say but a man like Edward Cullen is nothing but a fantasy. And it’s not just the part about him being immortal. A handsome, strong, witty, intelligent, talented, profound, extremely loving and thoughtful man simply does not exist. The character is too perfect. Even his flaws look cute. Yes, love makes all things beautiful. But if you go around looking and wishing for an Edward to sweep you off of your clumsy feet, you’re up for a big fall.

Bella is a lamb.. a stupid, clumsy lamb. She pranced into the arms of danger when she allowed herself to fall in love with a man who admitted that he wanted nothing more than to kill her. At 18 when the man she adored told her the she was not the one he wanted, she went into a slobfest for more than 3 months. She even made terrible decisions that could have brought more drama into her life. She was weak and extremely insecure.

Jacob. If anything, he has to know when enough is enough. Would I call him emotional? No. He was the one who was able to control his emotions better than anyone else. He stepped back when Bella needed space. He steps in when she needed him. But like I said, know when enough is enough.

It is an unrealistically corny movie. But c’mon, who wouldn’t admit to feeling those exact same emotions (or at least would’ve want to feel them) back when we were still young and foolish.

I used to dream of an Edward. When I thought I found him, I became as stupid and as senseless as Bella. I have had nice people to be my Jacob’s and I’ve hurt them in ways more than one. Since then I’ve come to an agreement with myself that I wouldn’t look for an Edward. I would never be as stupid as Bella. I would never again use people like Jacob to help me heal myself.

Once in a while I find myself lurching in these same situations over again. But I have my scar to remind me not to tread that road of emotional upheaval.

I am a hopeless romantic hiding beneath the veils of cynicism; torn between a dream and the reality. I’ve discarded my naiveté about romance and I’m trying to learn how it is to truly love without losing my mind.

I've still lots to learn. But I'll get there.

Rotten Politics

We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy. ~Martin L. Gross, A Call for Revolution, 1993

Bits of news usually seep into my bloodstream through Tweets, Facebook Updates and the occasional TV on the bus. I rarely watch television and, honestly, I don’t intentionally pick up a newspaper to keep up with what’s happening.

Monday was a very busy day for me in the clinics. That was why when I heard Dr.T commenting on the Maguindanao Massacre, I wasn’t really listening. I went on with my day as I usually would.

It was just yesterday when I found out about it. I was on a bus with my ears plugged with phones, trying to drown the noise pollution with music. I casually threw a glance toward the television and I saw it; “Maguindanao Massacre”. My eyes were suddenly wide with disbelief. I pulled my earphones off hastily and tried to listen to what was being said. Apparently, because of Politics, 52 people were savagely killed. (Google it, as if you need to. It’s all over.)

It was a picture of pure evil. How can anyone take so many lives just because they can?

A number of families will be celebrating the holidays this year void of a loved one’s presence because other people’s greed, pride, and lust for power. We could only hope and pray that justice will be served. But quite frankly, aasa pa ba tayo?

Shedding

I am amazed at people’s capacity to be insecure. I am no exemption, I must admit, but heck, I didn’t imagine that other people, especially men, could have bigger issues than me.

I also realized just recently that boys, just like women, like attention. They feed off of it. They couldn’t live without it; without someone to send text messages to, without someone to flirt with. It drives me mad.

But while I was doing my devotions this morning, I think finally understood. We all desire unfailing love. The tough guy, the weakling, the diva, the rockstar, the nerd, the addict, the movie star, the movie goer – everyone, whether they admit it or not, everyone is looking for unfailing love.

I found it; an unfailing love that would not change no matter what. So I’m slowly shedding away my insecurities. But the process is painful. It is a mind over matter thing, I guess.

On a final note; Though it is understandable and highly normal that men have insecurities as much as women do, please do not be so obvious about it. It makes you look weak.

I Couldn't Help Myself

Many mourned the death of King of Pop, Michael Jackson. I do not in any way demean the man’s great and unmatched contribution to pop culture, music and history. But I think the death of President Corazon Aquino merits more attention, if not from the whole world, at least from our nation.

History is one of my least favorite subjects. And I was only taught to be a critical thinker when I entered college. So needless to say, I know little about Cory and her administration. What I do know is that she was a strong, determined, well – educated woman, who fought for her family, her faith and her nation’s freedom.

My parents are Martial Law Babies. And it was inevitable that they became sentimental when they learned of Cory’s death.

My dad said that Cory’s death somehow represents the marking down of their generation’s history. Sooner or later, young people would only have heard of the Martial Law, the People Power Revolution, Ninoy and Cory inside their history classes. Soon, Cory’s memory and her passion for democracy would only be read in books.

My mom on the other hand, chose to see the “drama” in all of these. She said that Ninoy wrote a poem for Cory when he was in prison. I think it has the lines “I fell in love with the same woman three times…” or something like that. She was almost in tears when she said that she hopes Ninoy and Cory would find each other on the other side of life.

Do you want to know what my reaction was upon hearing about the news? I immediately thought of Kris and how she would present herself before the media. I’m sorry for my superficiality. I was sick and I slept through the whole Saturday. It was just today that I fully understood how much Cory meant to the Filipino people.

“I would rather die a meaningful death than to live a meaningless life.” - Cory

I think President Aquino lived a life brimming with meaning and purpose. And in her death, the passion for which she did the things she so bravely accomplished reignited the fire in each and every Filipino's heart.

Lukewarm

Indifference is very precarious. I hate the concept of being completely unaffected by things, people or events. People were crafted with built – in emotional triggers and we are supposed to react. But I just can’t understand how some people could just crawl into little shells and be blissfully ignorant of the things outside their puny worlds.

I’m frustrated because lately I have noticed that I myself am retreating into my own shell. As far as I know, I love people. A friend even told me that I am irritatingly cheery most of the time. She said it fascinates her that I would say hi to almost everyone I come across with at school. But for weeks now, I just feel so subdued and apathetic toward others. I would just say it in Filipino because I can’t think of a word that fully captures what I’m trying to say. “Sawa ako.”

I don’t know why. And I don’t think it’s because of certain people’s behavior because it’s not just one person, it’s everyone!

Maybe I’m just so engrossed on trying to finish my requirements. And maybe I’m just tired and worn out.

So friends, please forgive my “halfheartedness”. I don’t mean to be mean, and it’s not that I don’t care. I’m still figuring it out. Sooner or later I have to return to my old “irritatingly” cheery self, but for now, just let me be “sawa”.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~Sylvia Plath

I'm Done Planning

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it. (Grey's Anatomy)



I have always been a planner. Ok, maybe I’m not the typical organized “OC” that has an itinerary every single day. I don’t plan for my short term goals. I plan for the big ones.

When someone asks me where I want to be in five years, I’ll give an answer in a jiffy. No hesitations. No pauses. I have it all planned out; perfectly to the last detail. Ask me what I’ll be doing after I finally graduate from dental school, and I’ll narrate every single plan in a heartbeat.

Not having plans scare the hell out of me. I feel disoriented whenever things don’t go my way. It’s frustrating when people don’t do what I want. And it’s painful when I can’t even live up to what I have decided to do. Plans are necessities, at least for me.

It was just recently that I realized that making plans, at least solid, step by step plans, is useless. I daydream about the future and what I want it to be like. I plan for it. But who’s to say that will happen? Even in my greatest efforts to think about my future, the circumstances, events, people – they are all out of my hands. Things could change. I could change.

So I figured I won’t fuss. Things will happen, when they happen, if they will happen. I keep on pining for my ideal life in the future. But I just got hit by reality. This is my life. No one could say I have a life ahead of me. This is it. I have to live for the moment, not yearning for anything else. I have to do what I can, enjoy what I can, hope for the best, and just live.

Trust is a very difficult thing for me. But I’ll learn.

The Knowing

My mom had been raving around about “The Knowing”. I, on the other hand, because of Fil and Che’s review, was somewhat hesitant to watch it. But because of my mom’s relentless urging, I agreed to watch it.

I’m too lazy to write a summary for the movie. Google it na lang.

All I can say about the movie is that it has substance. And the producers have guts to show a movie about the end of the world that is somewhat accurate as to how the Bible portrays it’s going to happen. I mean, of course, a big portion of the movie is fiction but here are the points that have underlying biblical truth to it;
In the bible, the world will be destroyed by fire.
Only those who have been called and those who responded to the call will be saved.
And there is life after death.

Ok. I may have missed numerous points that my mom so lovingly (irritatingly) whispers to me through out the movie. But this is my belief and everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.

At the start of the movie there are two concepts being presented. Randomness and Determinism. Randomness states that there is no purpose; that everything is just a big coincidence. Our mere existence, it says, is a large chemical accident. Determinism on the other hand is a belief that everything happens for a reason. We are here for a reason.

I would rather believe that I am here, alive and well, doing what I am doing, being exactly where I am, for a great and grand purpose. Life would be hopeless without a purpose. So yeah, everything happens for a reason. I just know it.

(I'm blabbering again. Actually, this movie jumsparted my googling about doomsday scenarios. ayayaaay.. this is going to be a weird day..)

Choosing Between Dresses

When my brother and I were driving home this evening, he asked me, “Ano ba iniisip mo?” I then realized I had not been my usual makulit self when we’re in the car together. I was really quiet on the drive home. I had been pondering about a situation. Do you know that feeling when you were so excited to buy something.. let’s say a dress, and you really want to have a new dress that you grab the first dress you lay eyes upon. Then later on as you stroll the mall, you’ll realize that there are lots of more wonderful dresses but you already spent your money on that first dress. You could return the dress, but you can’t just say to the sales clerk that you changed your mind. It would be too embarrassing. So you’re stuck with that dress.

More often than not, we are in haste to have everything right now. But sometimes, waiting is the best thing to do to have the best things in life.

Now, are you wondering what I was thinking about. My brother would say at this point, “Use the KISS method. Keep It Simple, Stupid!” haha! This is nothing serious though. So just let me blabber.

Change is Here

When Obama rallied his slogan, “Change is Here” a lot of people became hopeful, excited even. But whenever I hear the word change, I cringe. I hate change. Change is uncomfortable. It is even painful most of the time. Change ensues starting all over again. Sameness, on the other hand, is safe. I love the old and the familiar. I love comfort. I love sameness. I hate change.

But it is very futile to hate something that is inevitable. Change, as they say, is permanent. And as I stand and take a step back to look at my life I can sense that change is about to happen. I’m not really sure why or where it will happen; I just know it will happen soon. I dread the moment. My heart beat hastens now just thinking about it. But at the same time I think I’m excited. Excited for the could be’s and the would be’s.

I am certain that there is more to me than who I am now. I also know that God has planned a very special path for me to walk on. And I know that that path, whatever sacrifice it entails, is the best path for me.

Maybe I am changing even without me knowing it. Unconsciously, maybe I am being a better person. Unconscious change. Painless change.

At present, I’m just kind of floating. I just let things happen, when they happen. I’m being passive and submissive. I worry less too. Maybe this is the secret to stress free living; not trying to control everything.

I don’t know what “change” will happen. As far as I’m concerned, everything seems just like the way they are, the way they’re supposed to be. But I’m bracing myself.

Stop Self - Medicating!

Hello world! =)

Eons and eons have passed before I finally had the decency to update this blog. I had a lot in my hands the past few weeks; A few things I had to finish in school and several things I needed to do for my dad. Also I have been spending more and more time with people... in the flesh; I’ve been going out to lunch or for coffee with some of my friends in church, and it’s always refreshing.

Anyway, through out this week I have been learning a lot about bondages. I learned that we could unknowingly be in bondage. Oh, let me explain what I mean by bondage first. In Breaking Free by Beth Moore, I learned that bondage is anything that hinders you from truly experiencing the benefits God wants you to enjoy. Some of these benefits are peace and satisfaction.

I enjoyed reading and studying the book. And through it I realized that one of the things that had been keeping me in chains is.... pride. No surprise there. Pride has caused me to deny that I was feeling empty. I know almost everyone could relate to the feeling of a deep insatiable thirst for something. But every time you try to figure out what it is you’re pining for, you can’t. This “emptiness” has brought about mood swings, seasons of depression and a lot of frustrated tears. I would then try to fill up the void (of unknown origin) with anything I can lay my hands on. It was like trying to cure a sickness that hasn’t been properly diagnosed. In my case, I filled up my life and time with activities. I had to be busy so that I wouldn’t feel the gnawing pain of emptiness. The result? I was always tired and irritable and I still had that ugly empty feeling.

In medicine, if you have Tuberculosis you wouldn’t take medicines that were specifically made to cure, say, Leukemia. That wouldn’t cure you; in fact it may even worsen your condition. Similarly, I was trying to self – medicate because I didn’t want to admit that something was wrong. I was striving hard to look ok when all I had to do was turn to the Healer.

Only the one who created the intricate twists and turns of my being could solve my problem of emptiness. Only He could saturate my longings with the greatest of things. And I am excited!


Just STOP. Stop taking in things you don’t need; things that wouldn’t do you good Just stop and say, “I need You.”.