Seeing Both Ways Now

In the entirety of my college life, I have never received a failing grade, except on this one unit subject that is, FPD laboratory. Actually, I took that subject thrice and my failure to pass the first and the second time was the main reason for my delay. One measly effing unit!

Anyway, last Tuesday, as I was walking the halls, I came across my professor, Dr.T. (He was the one who gave me failing grades but over case discussions and tsismis moments, I’ve learned to like him.) That day, he asked me if I had things to do after lunch. I was pretty pissed off about the pustiso so I told him I had nothing to do. He asked if I could help him check the practical exams of pre-clinical students, 2nd year students. I agreed and I asked Cathy to tag along. Cathy took that subject twice. When some of our friends found out, they were even joking about us having PhD’s in the said subject.

There we were, checking other students’ work. It was a pass or fail exam. Dr. T was merely asking for a second opinion. Not that he doesn’t know what he’s doing; he just wanted people with “puso” to check the exam. He said we were more compassionate and learned because we experienced failing.

Cathy and I made sure that everyone who deserved (and those na pwede na) to pass would pass. We were very lenient. But still only a few people passed.

This afternoon, as my friends and I were having coffee, Serena(not her real name, obviously!) told me that her roommate who is one of the 2nd year students told her that most of her classmates are angry at the two clinicians who checked their practical exam. They were saying that our standards were higher than those of Dr.T’s.

My reaction? Paksyet! Una, wala na yatang tataas pa sa standard ni sir. Pangalawa, hindi ko sila kilala, kaya pwede wag silang magfeeling na personal ang ginawa namin. Pangatlo, sinalba na naming lahat ng pwede na. Kung hindi pa rin, hindi pa e.

If anyone understands how it feels to fail FPD, ako yun! And I know it’s hard to accept failure. The easiest way is to put the blame on other people. But where does that take you? No where near learning or improving.

But what I did realize is that it was very difficult for Dr.T to give failing grades. It’s not something personal. It’s not even because he’s a megalomaniac who likes it when people fail. (I used to think he’s like that.) It’s just that certain people have a difficult time learning the skill needed to pass. And it’s his responsibility to help us develop that skill para di kami makapatay ng tao.

Tomorrow, I would be taking a written exam in FPD in the auditorium. The 2nd year students would be there too. I just know I’ll be getting stares of anger from some of them. Keribels… I know I did nothing wrong.

Way Off Balance

I got sick this week. At first I thought it was just because I ate lunch late, but as I was cringing because of the pain in my tummy, I figured it couldn't be just because of hunger. The stomachache worsened and later that night I was running a fever. I could hardly move a muscle.

Just this morning as I was telling my patient of my ordeal last Wednesday, he told me, "Baka naman na-oover fatigue ka na." I could have laughed that very minute. I don't think I could have been that tired to be sick. The amount of school work I was doing wasn't enough to have caused fatigue. But as I was trying hard not to laugh at his remark, I started to recount what I had been doing that week.

I was up until 2 in the morning the night before, spent the whole morning cleaning the condo, hardly had any lunch, went to the mall to watch a movie, went home, got sick.

Ok. So maybe I was a bit tired. And I just realized that I was tired not because of the things that I needed to do, like maybe finish the pustiso I have been doing, but I was tired because of things that were a bit unnecessary. (Cleaning is a must though, being OC is not.)

I have always heard it being said that one has to strike a balance between work and fun. But how do you actually do that when having fun requires energy as well? haha! Am I being silly? I just think that there's always too little time to do all the things you want to do, be with people you want to be with.

Take for example my habit of not getting enough sleep. I have always been alright with not getting enough sleep. If I slept at around 3am studying, I could still get up at 6am. I don't feel the difference between a 4 hour sleep and an 8 hour sleep. (I do get bothered by eye bags and pimples kaya I make an effort to at least get 7-8 hours of eye shut.) And maybe the reason behind this habit is I feel there's more that would be accomplished when I'm awake. Sleeping doesn't cross out an item in my overwhelmingly long to - do list.

I'm beginning to sound like an overly obsessed workaholic. I am NOT.

I have to stop spreading myself way too thin. I know I have to live out a healthier life style.
Now, if I could just start....

CONTENTMENT is the attitude of gratefulness and peace
born out of trust and surrender to the will of God in every circumstance.

As I was browsing through the net last Saturday, I came across this story. During that time I was in an anxious mood. I was thinking about the very near future where I would fend for myself and eventually for my own family. But as I read the story I realized that I don't need a lot to be happy. Read on.

Philip Parham tells the story of a rich industrialist who was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat. "Why aren't you out there fishing?" he asked.

"Because I've caught enough fish for today," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch more fish than you need?' the rich man asked.
"What would I do with them?"

"You could earn more money," came the impatient reply, "and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets, catch even more fish, and make more money. Soon you'd have a fleet of boats and be rich like me."

The fisherman asked, "Then what would I do?"
"You could sit down and enjoy life," said the industrialist.
"What do you think I'm doing now?" the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea.

Our Daily Bread, May 18, 1994.

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Contentment, at first, feels like sour graping for me.

"Ooh I really want an SLR camera. But I can't afford it right now. I do have a point and shoot. And besides I'd rather be the subject than the photographer."

Sour - graping, I tell you. It does make me feel better though; convincing myself that I don't really want something that I really want. But after sometime, sour - graping turns into a realization. A realization that says "I really do want that thing, but I can't afford it, so maybe later on, when I have the money and I still want it badly, then maybe I'd buy it."

Why so chatty with contentment? Well, living as me, I'd say I have been pretty much handed everything I needed and most of what I wanted. I have experienced living in luxury when I was young. But I have also experienced living in lack. I guess what I mean is that I have realized what really matters.

The desire for beautiful, shinny things is still there. But I have learned to suppress those desires to make way for things that are of more value.

At the risk sounding preachy, I'd like to post my favorite verse at the moment, " I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ. Phil 3:8"