You Will Be Missed (Believe it or Not)

I have known M since high school. We were introduced and since then, I have never gotten rid of her. I know that sounds mean, but she was just so clingy! Imagine having to run from across the house to answer the phone only to find out that it was her. And then she would say, "wala lang..". I think she calls at least ten times a day, just to say, wala lang.

I really tried to understand where she was coming from. My mom told me M was probably seeking attention since she didn't get it from her house. You see, she was adopted. And from the stories I've heard, her family is pretty much annoyed at her. When I learned of this, I tried to be nicer to her, but the nicer I get, the clingier she is! And I can't stand it.

Throughout the years, we, M and I, have co - existed in peace. I minded my own business and she, well, she minded mine as well. Everyone was slightly annoyed at her because of her kakulitan. Oh I forgot to mention, she's 30 years old.

Last Tuesday, my roommate told me that M was sick and that she was confined at the hospital. I didn't think much of it. I didn't think it was serious. But then again I made a note to myself to at least visit her when I go home to Bulacan that weekend.

I never got the chance to do so. She died last Friday.

When I got home people were asking me if I could speak at her wake. I refused. I didn't even go to the wake.

This morning in church, as people were asking me why I didn't go, I just told them I didn't want to. And they all said that I'm so mean.

M's death has made me realize that I should be more patient with people who need love. But this realization doesn't in any way change the fact that M was annoyingly clingy. It doesn't change the fact that we never really had the chance to build a true friendship. And it doesn't change the fact that I was mean to her at times. Speaking at the wake doesn't liberate me of my guilt of not trying harder. It wouldn't accomplish anything. She wouldn't be there to see or to hear me say that I was sorry for not treating her as a friend. I can't speak at her wake because I had nothing more to say, at least to the people who would hear me. (And besides, I hate wakes, funerals.. anything to do with death.)

Our house was pretty quiet today. The phone doesn't ring a dozen times a day anymore. And in a very peculiar way, I think I will miss M.

(I was supposed to post this, October 19)