I am amazed at people’s capacity to be insecure. I am no exemption, I must admit, but heck, I didn’t imagine that other people, especially men, could have bigger issues than me.
I also realized just recently that boys, just like women, like attention. They feed off of it. They couldn’t live without it; without someone to send text messages to, without someone to flirt with. It drives me mad.
But while I was doing my devotions this morning, I think finally understood. We all desire unfailing love. The tough guy, the weakling, the diva, the rockstar, the nerd, the addict, the movie star, the movie goer – everyone, whether they admit it or not, everyone is looking for unfailing love.
I found it; an unfailing love that would not change no matter what. So I’m slowly shedding away my insecurities. But the process is painful. It is a mind over matter thing, I guess.
On a final note; Though it is understandable and highly normal that men have insecurities as much as women do, please do not be so obvious about it. It makes you look weak.
9.11.09
30.10.09
See you later, beyotch!
I’m getting better at it – dealing with grief because of lost of a loved one.
Not more than 3 years ago, I lost one of the most special people in my life. And just a week ago, I lost one of my dear friends.
I have known J for over 8 years now. We have been close friends when she was 15 and I was just 18 years old. She was the one who knew all my secrets. And I mean all of them. It was true what most people said, with her, you can let your guards down because as a friend, you are assured that she’ll never judge and she’ll always care.
We were mean when we were together back then. We’d lash out on guys that pissed us off. We would ignore anyone na di namin feel. She’d tolerate my kaartehans and all my flirtations with guys. It was fun. Not good fun but fun fun.
It came to a point when I felt I outgrew her. I “left” her because I felt I was too mature to be acting like her. But in hinds view, I wasn’t any more mature than she was. I just pretended I was. And I knew I hurt her in ways only she could have tolerated.
Years passed and we stayed connected because we “had” to. It was just a year ago when I finally said I missed her. And after that our hostility toward each other was lessened. Friendship like before was not restored to its original state but I was happy I could talk to her again, even if it was just about shoes and fashion.
Tuesday night last week, J got into an accident. She was in terrible shape when she was brought to the hospital. Tita A called me and said she wanted to talk to my mom. I had no idea what it was about until my mom responded with a hysterical “ano?!”. My parents rushed to the hospital to be with J’s parents. But my brother and I stayed home because we were afraid we couldn’t handle seeing our friend in a dire condition.
Before morning broke, J suffered from several cardiopulmonary arrests, five broken ribs, multiple skull fractures and a lot of broken bones all over her body before she finally breathed her last.
We were not able to say goodbye. Regret sucks.
Grief from losing J and memories of grief from losing Txian flooded me that day. Everything was all too familiar. But I think I handled it better this time.
Losing someone hurts, whether if it’s because of an accident or a sickness or whatever cause. Regret over words unsaid and things undone haunts. But one of the most comforting facts is that I know that J is in a better place – all “prettified” – just the way she would want it!
She will be sorely missed. Her loud laughter would forever ring in the silence of CCF’s halls. Her passion for life and her joy for the little things will be treasured. And my memory of a dear little sister, my partner in crime, my beyotch (oh yeah we used to call each other b*tch! Haha), my biggest fashion critic will be kept until the day we meet again.
(To J; wag mo kong ichismis dyan. Haha. We love you. I love you. I hope in some way you felt that, even if words were left unsaid.)
Not more than 3 years ago, I lost one of the most special people in my life. And just a week ago, I lost one of my dear friends.
I have known J for over 8 years now. We have been close friends when she was 15 and I was just 18 years old. She was the one who knew all my secrets. And I mean all of them. It was true what most people said, with her, you can let your guards down because as a friend, you are assured that she’ll never judge and she’ll always care.
We were mean when we were together back then. We’d lash out on guys that pissed us off. We would ignore anyone na di namin feel. She’d tolerate my kaartehans and all my flirtations with guys. It was fun. Not good fun but fun fun.
It came to a point when I felt I outgrew her. I “left” her because I felt I was too mature to be acting like her. But in hinds view, I wasn’t any more mature than she was. I just pretended I was. And I knew I hurt her in ways only she could have tolerated.
Years passed and we stayed connected because we “had” to. It was just a year ago when I finally said I missed her. And after that our hostility toward each other was lessened. Friendship like before was not restored to its original state but I was happy I could talk to her again, even if it was just about shoes and fashion.
Tuesday night last week, J got into an accident. She was in terrible shape when she was brought to the hospital. Tita A called me and said she wanted to talk to my mom. I had no idea what it was about until my mom responded with a hysterical “ano?!”. My parents rushed to the hospital to be with J’s parents. But my brother and I stayed home because we were afraid we couldn’t handle seeing our friend in a dire condition.
Before morning broke, J suffered from several cardiopulmonary arrests, five broken ribs, multiple skull fractures and a lot of broken bones all over her body before she finally breathed her last.
We were not able to say goodbye. Regret sucks.
Grief from losing J and memories of grief from losing Txian flooded me that day. Everything was all too familiar. But I think I handled it better this time.
Losing someone hurts, whether if it’s because of an accident or a sickness or whatever cause. Regret over words unsaid and things undone haunts. But one of the most comforting facts is that I know that J is in a better place – all “prettified” – just the way she would want it!
She will be sorely missed. Her loud laughter would forever ring in the silence of CCF’s halls. Her passion for life and her joy for the little things will be treasured. And my memory of a dear little sister, my partner in crime, my beyotch (oh yeah we used to call each other b*tch! Haha), my biggest fashion critic will be kept until the day we meet again.
(To J; wag mo kong ichismis dyan. Haha. We love you. I love you. I hope in some way you felt that, even if words were left unsaid.)
Update at Last
Bulaga!
Haha. I’m back – not primarily because I miss blogging but because I ran out of things to do. I don’t want to run on the treadmill without the DVD player because it’s so boring. I did not go to the dinner date slash basketball game with my friends because I’m broke. I’ve read all my latest magazines – twice! I watched all the latest episodes of Gossip Girl and Glee. I ran out of things to do.
But there are lots to write about. So let’s start..
Retail Therapy. I’ve recently discovered how a little shopping could go a long way in terms of cheering me up. I know I’m on the road to ruins. Thank God I’m still dependent on the allowance I’m given because if I’m earning my own money, things could be worse. Whenever I’m in a rut, I’d find a way to go somewhere I could buy something. If I have the money, I’d usually splurge on beauty products, especially make – up. If I don’t I’d still look for something that’s cheap. Just yesterday, I was feeling really low, so on the way to UP, I passed by National Bookstore and I looked around. I did not need anything in particular. But when I saw those colorful highlighters, I wanted to buy one in each color. Good thing I just had around 60 pesos in my pocket – I bought two, orange and green. I rationalized that I’d soon be reviewing for the board exams so might as well buy highlighters to prop me up. Besides, I heard that green and orange stimulate the mind.
And so I’m broke. I know I need to get a hold of myself. But it just feels so good. Lalo na pag may hawak na kong paper bag ng Faceshop or Body Shop. Ayayay!
Moving on. Dr. T, one of my favorite professors, had recently been nominated to be dean of our dear college. As most would remember, Dr. T is the one who gave me failing grades twice (or was it thrice?). He’s very strict and has unbreakable ideals. Lately though, I’ve been witness to his slight change of character. I’ve seen him around some of his preclinical students and he was amazingly, unbelievably nice. He has been a teacher more than half of his life.
Another professor, Dr.M, is also nominated. He’s also a favorite because he’s always been nice to me. I enjoy his lectures and his exams as they are practical. Anyway, I admire his flagship for the college. It was simple and direct.
If for loyalty’s sake, I’d prefer Dr.T to be dean. Of course, I’m biased because he’s my favorite teacher. But all candidates are great teachers. And I’d love to see those plans in action.
Enough. I’m moving on to my next post..
Haha. I’m back – not primarily because I miss blogging but because I ran out of things to do. I don’t want to run on the treadmill without the DVD player because it’s so boring. I did not go to the dinner date slash basketball game with my friends because I’m broke. I’ve read all my latest magazines – twice! I watched all the latest episodes of Gossip Girl and Glee. I ran out of things to do.
But there are lots to write about. So let’s start..
Retail Therapy. I’ve recently discovered how a little shopping could go a long way in terms of cheering me up. I know I’m on the road to ruins. Thank God I’m still dependent on the allowance I’m given because if I’m earning my own money, things could be worse. Whenever I’m in a rut, I’d find a way to go somewhere I could buy something. If I have the money, I’d usually splurge on beauty products, especially make – up. If I don’t I’d still look for something that’s cheap. Just yesterday, I was feeling really low, so on the way to UP, I passed by National Bookstore and I looked around. I did not need anything in particular. But when I saw those colorful highlighters, I wanted to buy one in each color. Good thing I just had around 60 pesos in my pocket – I bought two, orange and green. I rationalized that I’d soon be reviewing for the board exams so might as well buy highlighters to prop me up. Besides, I heard that green and orange stimulate the mind.
And so I’m broke. I know I need to get a hold of myself. But it just feels so good. Lalo na pag may hawak na kong paper bag ng Faceshop or Body Shop. Ayayay!
Moving on. Dr. T, one of my favorite professors, had recently been nominated to be dean of our dear college. As most would remember, Dr. T is the one who gave me failing grades twice (or was it thrice?). He’s very strict and has unbreakable ideals. Lately though, I’ve been witness to his slight change of character. I’ve seen him around some of his preclinical students and he was amazingly, unbelievably nice. He has been a teacher more than half of his life.
Another professor, Dr.M, is also nominated. He’s also a favorite because he’s always been nice to me. I enjoy his lectures and his exams as they are practical. Anyway, I admire his flagship for the college. It was simple and direct.
If for loyalty’s sake, I’d prefer Dr.T to be dean. Of course, I’m biased because he’s my favorite teacher. But all candidates are great teachers. And I’d love to see those plans in action.
Enough. I’m moving on to my next post..
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